2018 #MinneAsianStories: Hello, Neighbor

Dad’s Hmong Daughter

By Doua Yang, West Saint Paul

As a Hmong woman, I always questioned why I had to fit into the societal mold of high expectations and unrealistic standards. I grew up seeing women being punished or shamed for not serving others. They were silenced if they stood up for themselves. Was I born to serve? Was I born with no voice? Was I born to feel guilty and shameful every time I did not fulfill my obligations as a Hmong woman? For many years, I felt angry and confused. I was pushed past my limits, and told to be patient and strong. I was taught to give and give, and never to ask for anything in return. I was tired. I was taught I should be selfless, obedient, domestic, and desirable. I was drained. I was on autopilot trying to please, cater, and never disappoint. I was exhausted. Was I ever going to be “good” enough?

I felt angry. My anger soon turned into resentment. I resented my dad for being the man of the house but carrying unjust traditions. I resented my dad for being progressive, yet so closed-minded. I resented my dad for not sticking up for me and believing in my ability. I resented my dad for telling me no because I was born a girl. I loved and respected my dad, yes, but I resented him for making me feel powerless, voiceless, and at times worthless.

When I graduated from college, chin up because I was the first in my family to do so, I had this mentality that I had proved my dad wrong. I still felt bitter. Expecting a simple nod, I was surprised when he turned to me and said, “Daughter, I couldn’t see you clearly on stage because of my eyesight, but I am happy to see you standing here today celebrating your accomplishments. You have worked very hard. Mom and I are very proud of you.” I stood still for a few minutes trying to comprehend. I didn’t realize I had been waiting for those words my entire life to forgive and understand.

I didn’t prove my dad wrong, I proved society wrong. My dad raised me to be the Hmong woman society wanted me to be: obedient, submissive, and domestic, but I turned out to be the Hmong woman he wanted me to be: strong, resilient, outspoken, vulnerable, and independent.

A year later, my father passed away. As I sat by his side for the last time, I knew deep down inside: I am enough. I am important. I am worthy. I am the best Hmong woman, daughter, and sister that I was raised to become. Thank you, Dad.

Check out the rest of #MinneAsianStories.