By Shiney Her, Saint Paul

I lived and grew up in a small, rural town in Southwest Minnesota called, Walnut Grove. At 16 years old, I learned to play volleyball and enjoyed it, so I was in a volleyball team. It had been over a year, but all I ever did was play volleyball. I never really learned or had the courage to talk and build relationships with the other girls. They’ve been playing volleyball together and known each other since grade school so I didn’t feel like I belonged. I was more comfortable hanging out with my Hmong friends, although they weren’t apart of the volleyball team with me at that time.

One night, we were supposed to have volleyball practice. I was early, so I figured I would wait by the gym. I remembered how everything felt, like it was just yesterday. The gym was pitched black. The hallway was quiet. The school was empty. While I was strolling around the school looking for someone, I found the janitor on duty that night in his office, and then he told me practice had been cancelled. I was frustrated, thinking to myself why didn’t anyone tell me sooner? I remembered earlier that week I had briefly saw some of my teammates. Why didn’t they say anything about practice tonight? My sister had already left after dropping me off, so I had to find a way to get home. No one picked up my calls. I had no choice but to feel upset. I didn’t have any way to contact my teammates and coach (not that it mattered, but the thought of it made me realize how truly left out I felt). After frantically and desperately looking for a way out of feeling like the world was ending, the janitor kindly offered to take me home. As the janitor quietly drove me home, the usual 20-minute commute from school to home felt like forever. During the ride, I secretly cried, hoping that I didn’t feel or look any more pathetic, especially in the company of a complete stranger. I did not want to cry, but then trying hard not to cry made me cry even more. I’ve never felt so alone in my life. Questions flooded my head, and I wanted answers. Why do I have to feel this way? Why is this happening to me? I know everything happened unintentionally; but for some reason, it sucked because I was still hurt even though no one intended to hurt me. At that time, I didn’t have the courage to settle the uneasy feeling inside me, so I ended up internalizing it, like nothing happened. I was a coward. I wanted to forget everything so badly. I felt stupid and blamed myself for letting something this small hurt me so much. Now, I am haunted of being alone, having no connection with anyone, and feeling helpless even with the dependence of others. I hope a day will come when I have healed and forgiven myself completely, loving myself to the fullest.

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