Smile

Tie Oei

Edina, Minnesota | Indonesian

In a world where technology has mesmerized us and made its way into every aspect of our lives, Facebook has been a daily ritual for all of us. I have had people ask what is behind that smile regarding my profile picture. As Asians we smile and nod our yeses and our agreements OR our friend’s yeses and agreements. So what is behind that smile?

Behind that smile is knowing that our voice has been cut off and our opinions are no longer valid in this new land. For my parents, immigrants from Indonesia, they had no idea what a life change they were about to embark on. The journey has been humbling, honoring and humorous at the same time for them. I think the humor came when they realized how Americanized my brother and I were becoming.

For my brother and myself, it has been a journey of trying to fit in and yet not fitting in. Having grown up in America, we learned English as our main language and loved Pizza Hut and KFC. And to my mother’s horror, loving Chicken Fried Steak and demanding it at every meal. Not seeing a lot of Asian faces in our school put a dent into our self-esteem and self-worth.

The dual messages of “being too Asian” and “not being Asian enough” has been like an unwanted tail in my life. As one person said “She speaks perfect English”. Or as an ex-boyfriend said “I thought when I got you, I got a real Asian.” What is a girl to do but smile through it all.

So what is behind that smile? Covering up the pain and hurt when people are dismissive and degrading because they don’t understand where you have come from or the journey that you have taken just to be standing on your two feet.

Smiling because if you show contempt people wonder why you are being negative and not positive. People after all want to hang out with only positive people. Right?

Smiling because if it turns into a frown, the pain would spill out and non- stop tears would come like a waterfall cascading off the cliff. That scene is pretty but an “ugly cry” is not. Smiling not to face our feelings.

Smiling because your voice will not be heard and understood. What is there to do? Smiling thinking that this life will get better and hopefully you can leave it better for the next generation.

Smiling because you have overcome obstacles and challenges that only the strong would survive and thrive. Yes, that resilient smile is a survival technique. And only God can provide.

Smiling because you have found a church home, joined Asian organizations and finally found a home that you can genuinely smile and feel safe to be yourself. Smiling tears of joy and relief and your heart expanding.

What is behind anyone’s smile? Joy, pain, humbleness, happiness, disgust, humor?  What is behind your smile?

#MinneAsianStories Series