Simple Saturday Afternoon

Marlina Gonzalez

Minneapolis, Minnesota | Filipino

As an Asian Minnesotan, the pandemic has taught me that when push comes to shove, when we are forced to shift our behavior in the name of our collective lives, I am willing to do what it takes to protect myself, my family, my community. But as an Asian, there is another layer lurking in the background – the fear of being targeted because of who we are. Suddenly, I am reading body language when there are people around me, ‘reconnoitering’ the area with my eyes to see who is examining Me.

Often on weekends, I would take my mom for a drive. She loves going to Goodwill. It’s a treasure hunt for $1.99 finds. She can take her mind off reality for a moment, looking at interesting second-hand items. The grocery cart acts as a walker to keep her balance. It’s good exercise for her. She gets her 10,000 steps in!

The weekend after six Korean women were among the eight killed in a mass shooting at three Atlanta spas, I decided to take my mom to Goodwill. As my brother handed me the car keys, I noticed that it felt cold in my hands. He casually said, “Just stay alert.” For the first time, I felt concerned about bringing my mom out—two Asian women out shopping. We would stand out. 

When we reached the Goodwill store, I tried not to act too paranoid. Instead of going around, I found myself secretly keeping an eye on my mom, making sure to look at the body

language of the people around us. I walked along the adjacent aisle to make sure I could keep track of her white head of hair bobbing up and down the rows of shirts.

Are there eyes darting at her? Is someone following her without her knowledge? Is everyone keeping their distance? Where’s the nearest exit that’s not the front door?

Even though I had felt followed before while shopping, this feeling was new; in the past, I would just be annoyed if I noticed a salesperson tracking my actions. But this; this feeling was different.

Nothing happened that day except for the invisible sense of melancholic resentment that washed over me.

I did not want fear to win.

The simple moments I spend with my family should not be tainted with fear. We are not in a war zone. It was just a simple ordinary Saturday afternoon.

Marlina Gonzalez (she/her/hers) is a multidisciplinary artist working in media and theater who strongly believes that art is a powerful tool for social change.  She has conceived and produced numerous international film festivals, multidisciplinary art exhibits and performances for Walker Art Center, Intermedia Arts, The Minneapolis Foundation, and Asian CineVision, among others.  She was Festival Director of New York’s prestigious Asian American International Film Festival, working actively to introduce pan-Asian cinema to American and European audiences. The Filipina Women’s Network (FWN) named her as one of The 100 Most Influential Filipina Women in the U.S. as an Innovator and Thought Leader. Through a commission with Pangea World Theater and Teatro Del Pueblo, Marlina wrote a 3-Act allegorical play in three languages (Tagalog, English, Spanish) entitled IslaTuliro (Island of Confusion), about language and colonialism. In 2017, her piece Dancing Between Bamboos or The Rules of Wrong Grammar was included in How Dare We! Write, an anthology of essays, prose poetry, short stories and memoirs by writers of color and writers on the edge. She teaches Pan Asian Theater at Augsburg University and has been working as a Community Engagement Specialist for Twin Cities PBS. Marlina holds a M.A. in Communication from the University of North Texas and a B.A. in Broadcast Communication from the University of the Philippines.