“Three Dates and 23 Years Later“

Kunrath Lam

Saint Paul, Minnesota | Cambodian | She/her/hers

I was in my second year of college and he was a faculty member twelve years my senior. His coworker told him that the they had recently hired a new Thai lady. At the time, he was single so his coworker encouraged him to go meet the new Thai lady. When I entered the cafeteria, he asked me if I was Thai.

I said, “No, I’m Cambodian.” 

He was born in Cambodia, but he’s ethnically Chinese so he didn’t speak any Cambodian. He spoke broken Cambodian and I made fun of him. 

My family is very traditional; meaning that I never talked to boys or went on dates because that was not okay. After I met him, I tried to ignore him, but I saw him everywhere on campus. Whenever we ran into each other, I greeted him but then I’d avoid those locations, fearing I’d run into him again. I even went so far as to stay in my dorm room to avoid seeing him. I told myself I couldn’t talk to this guy because if my parents knew, they would lose their reputation in our community. 

After a few months of avoiding him, I walked out of my dorm room and there he was, standing in the lobby. He asked me if I’d like to hangout with a group of mutual friends. I didn’t know what to do other than question, “Why would you want to go out with me?” 

I agreed to go, but I was so nervous I canceled at the last moment. He had our friends ask me, so I went. I never went out with him alone. We were always with a big group when we did go out. 

I explained my parents to him, and told him to ask my parents for permission if he wanted us to go out alone. He had his parents come to talk to my parents. We went out exactly three times before we got married. 

When he asked my parents for their approval to marry me, they looked at both of our ages and zodiac signs and found that we were a match. My father even had a dream that my grandma told him that it was okay to let us marry. 

Our cultures collided when it came to marriage. In the Cambodian culture, the husband is expected to pay for the wedding and to join his wife’s family so he can care for them. In the Chinese culture, I was expected to become a part of his family. In the end I said, “We are Cambodian.” He agreed. 

I prayed so hard to Buddha while we were engaged, because I didn’t know him well. I prayed for him to be the right person. Now we’ve been married for 23 years and have three beautiful children. In those 23 years, he learned Cambodian but I still don’t speak any Chinese. 

Now I don’t want my children to be like me. I’m lucky I found the right husband, but I want my daughter to know her future husband before she gets married. She should love him before she marries.