“Born into Resilient”

Haopay Lee

Hmong | Woodbury, MN | she/her/hers | Non-Profit Sector

When I was 4 years old, my mother left an abusive marriage. She became a single mother of four. As the oldest daughter, I bore the responsibilities of caring for my siblings and doing house chores. While my brothers played little league soccer, my sister and I helped at the garden. I was never encouraged to venture out and explore my passions. I could not do anything unless my mother or brothers were present. Though young, I realized I didn’t have the same freedoms or support as my brothers.

In 9th grade, I secretly tried out for the high school volleyball team. To my surprise, I made the team. This was one of the most liberating moments of my life. Soon volleyball became my first love. Volleyball taught me teamwork, self-control, and most importantly, to keep fighting for my passion. Even though no one came to see my games, I was proud that I had done something independently for myself and by myself.

At the age of 16, under great pressure and influence from the adults in my life, I culturally married my 21-year-old partner. That marriage ended a year later. Divorce is among one of the worst things a Hmong woman can do. I was shamed by the whole community because my marriage ended.

Not addressing the trauma of being married at a young age, I eventually fell back into an emotionally abusive relationship. I became a mother in my early twenties while in college. Again, it was another thing that my family disapproved of. When my son was 4 months old, his biological father shook him so severely causing head trauma, also known as shaken baby syndrome. To care for my son, I withdrew from college.

When I wanted to continue my education, this man would shut me down. But I felt stuck and pressured by my community and family to stay in the relationship. Though this man caused my son’s disability, I was the one deemed undesirable.

I eventually built enough courage to leave the relationship. I went on to graduate with a bachelor’s degree in Social Work, even as a full-time single mother. I accepted a full-time position doing victim advocacy work with sexual assault and intimate partner violence survivors work at a local Hmong organization. Through this work I met many powerful women who would support me to become my authentic self.

For the first time in my life, someone asked me, “What’s your story?” They listened instead of telling my story for me. I now call Minnesota home and work at a state coalition addressing relationship abuse.

Though many in the Hmong community view divorce and disability as undesirable, I identify with both. They are things I cannot take away, but doing this work has healed me as a Hmong woman and survivor. My load is not light – caring for my son, his disability, balancing a full-time job, and finishing graduate school – but, I feel happy and complete. I’ve worked on many aspects of self-love and self-preservation, and am learning how to support others in a world where we are taught to put each other down. I share my story so that others won’t feel as alone as I felt during life’s toughest moment. My opening up has allowed so many people to open up to me, and I’ve learned that every person is resilient.

#MinneAsianStories Series