“Being Enough”

Jon Jee Schill

Korean | Minneapolis, MN | he/him/his | Non-Profit Sector

My story is still happening but I think it will always be about holding multiple conflicting truths at once and letting that be enough.

Growing up as a Korean-Adoptee in Oregon, my understanding of my own Asian-ness was split between a personal narrative about how our family came together and the representation of Asian people in movies and on television in the 1980s and 1990s. I remain close to my adoptive family—we’re far from perfect, but we are a family that loves each other. Even when I’ve felt profoundly out of place because of my racial identity, my parents have always been my parents. In a way, we’re a microcosm of racial exceptionalism created through adoption; where I see unjust and oppressive systems perpetrated by white people against people of color in the world around me. My childhood and family life were not marred by instances of overt personal racism.

Not seeing positive or realistic examples of other Asian people, I spent a lot of time rejecting that part of my identity; both to better fit in with the predominantly white community around me, and out of a fear that I wouldn’t measure up to other Korean kids. I thought I wouldn’t be Asian enough to fit in with my own people. I was maybe in third grade the first time a white kid called me “flat face,” so I knew early on I would never be white enough. But, the idea of not being Asian enough was too big for me to deal with so, when my parents asked if I wanted to attend Korean culture camp, I said no.

At the beginning of high school, my mom and I moved to Idaho for her job. I spent three years adjusting from an “I just don’t see race” environment to an environment I would describe as actively racist. For better and for worse, I defined myself by what I hated, and refused to become what I loved and wanted to grow. While it laid the groundwork for a strong sense of values and self that I carry with me in everything I do to this day. I came to realize that defining myself by only what I was not left little room to create new things.

In the last few years, I’ve been working on shifting how I define myself, and am learning to own my power through community service. Living in Minnesota as an adult has helped a lot, because I’ve been able to engage with the Korean-Adoptee community here. I really live into that piece of my identity. Claiming my own perspective has made me a stronger community partner by grounding me in who I am and how positive social change looks through a Korean-Adoptee lens.

People I respect have told me I’ve accomplished good things when I thought I’d fallen short. I’m coming to terms with the reality that my worries about being Asian enough was really an insecurity about being enough. I’m still getting there.

#MinneAsianStories Series