“What Are You?”

Hoang Murphy

Vietnamese | Saint Paul, MN | he/him/his | Non-Profit Sector

There have been many moments in my life where I didn’t feel powerful about my Asian identity. It was when I wasn’t allowed to be specific in my identity as a Viet person, as a transracial adoptee; I was just Asian. It wasn’t until I attended Syracuse University as a first-generation college student that I began exploring what it meant to be Asian. I remember going to a Vietnamese Student Association (VSA) meeting. I was incredibly scared and nervous that they were going to see me as a fraud because though I am Viet, I am also a transracial adoptee. 

The student association was mostly made up of foreign exchange students who were studying abroad and had class privilege. They quickly decided my identify. “No, you’re an American. You’re not Vietnamese.” I walked out feeling bitterness. I wasn’t Asian enough for them, but I was far too Asian to be anything else. 

It would be five years later in graduate school before I worked up the courage to try again. I was at Johns Hopkins when a friend pushed me to attend another VSA meeting. It didn’t go well. After that, I decided I was done engaging and trying to organize with my community. Instead, I was going to spend my time with folks who wanted me in their spaces.

After I graduated and I began teaching 10th grade English Language Arts at Edmondson Village in Baltimore, MD, where 99% of my students were black and qualified for free and reduced lunch. I was terrified on my first day. This would be my first classroom where I wouldn’t have another teacher watching over me. 

As we were doing introductions, my student Gregory suddenly got up. He tells me he doesn’t have to listen to me because I’m white. Another student yells at him to shut up, because “he’s light-skinned.” At this point, I’m convinced I’ll be fired because I have lost all order in my classroom. I was tongue tied trying to figure out what to say. As I stood dumbfounded, Gregory asked me, “What are you?” 

Confused, I ask him, “What do you mean?” 

Again, he asks, “Like, what are you?” 

Now understanding his question, I answer, “I’m Asian.” 

Without hesitation, Gregory says, “Yeah, but like, what is that?” 

There I was, having no defined understanding of who I was, but feeling I had to explain. I shoved the morning’s lesson plan aside, and began sharing my history and who my community was. I talked about where I was born and where I was raised. This led to more questions, but I realized that as I shared, the students accepted my story as true, and there was no doubt about my identity. 

As I narrated my own story, I felt liberated. That was one of the most challenging and rewarding moments of my teaching career. That day I learned that I cannot let others tell me who or what I am. The most powerful thing I can be is myself.

#MinneAsianStories Series